The Brother Jed Chronicles

It’s been a little over a month since Brother Jed graced the University of Arizona with his presence. All newcomers can watch this YouTube clip to get a glimpse of Brother Jed Smock’s unconventional evangelistic preachings on college campuses.

Last month, Brother Jed faced an angrier audience. One student stole Jed’s fold-up chair, which most on-lookers agreed was below-the-belt. Another girl watched Jed’s speeches every day, and her voice shook with emotion whenever she screamed at him. I tried to be civil to Brother Jed until he singled me out and asked, “Are you pure? Are you a pure, virtuous girl?” Knowing that he’d fight anything I said, I told Brother Jed that I didn’t have to answer any of his questions.

“That says it all! A pure girl would not have hesitated to respond!”

And I walked away laughing.

Brother Jed spoke to a more even-tempered crowd today, even though he wore a cardinal red, long sleeved t-shirt that said YOU DESERVE HELL on the front and HELL AWAITS YOU on the back. Jed’s accompanying sister and his daughter wore these custom-ordered shirts as well.

Six students stood silently behind Brother Jed, and they wore wings made out of cotton sheets on their backs, resembling angels. Among these students was the highly emotional and vocal girl I mentioned earlier in this post, so I really think Jed received a tamer audience because his worst UA enemies went out of their way to mock him in silence for the duration of his lecture.

Sex was a major discussion today. Brother Jed admitted to not being so pure in his college days at Indiana University, where he was a member of Delta Upsilon fraternity. He drank heavily and had countless sexual partners.

“I wasn’t looking for nice girls. I looked for girls who smoked! I thought if a girl put a cigarette in her mouth, she put anything in her mouth!”

At least he was honest. He did, however, create an uproar when he dubbed himself a “born-again virgin.”

“You are not a virgin if you’ve had sexual intercourse! If you and a woman have sex and both become born-again virgins, will your child be of immaculate conception?” someone asked, egging on the others.

Brother Jed didn’t answer that question. Instead, he continued listing the kinds of girls he went after in college.

“You could pay to sleep with women back then. It was $5 for a white girl, $3 for a black girl. I never had a prejudice bone in my body, so I always went for the best deal!”

Once the sex talk ended, Jed proudly introduced his 14-year-old daughter to the audience. To my relief, all UA students treated the young girl with respect, and she gladly answered a few questions before sitting back down. It must have been hard for her to watch so many students annihilate her father, but he made the choice of bringing her along, and he chose to expose her to the ugly aspect of his job.

Another memorably foul, rude student met up with Brother Jed once again. This was the guy who stole Jed’s chair and never gave it back. Today, he marched right up to Jed and yelled, “You’re an dumbass, you’re such a f***ing idiot!” several times before leaving the area. Someone needs anger management classes.

A long-haired male student wearing a green recycling shirt flipped off Brother Jed and the Sister with both hands. He chased Jed around with his middle fingers, and I eventually told him to just go away. It’s one thing to talk back to Brother Jed, but it’s another to be heinously disrespectful and immature.

The most memorable part of Jed’s lecture happened in the late afternoon. A male passerby kissed his hand and moved right next to Brother Jed. He tried to touch Brother Jed, who backed up uncomfortably and scooted away before yelling, “HOMO! HOMO! COOTIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I think I can die happy after hearing a grown man shriek “cooties” in all seriousness. I wouldn’t be surprised if he started having heart palpitations.

Stay tuned this week for more on Brother Jed Smock.


3 thoughts on “The Brother Jed Chronicles

  1. The worst part is that I don’t think anyone can really figure out why he does it. I can’t imagine that he believes he’s living up to the precedent set by Jesus as portrayed in any of the Gospels. He knows that none of the so-called “whores and whoremongers” of the colleges he visits are going to want anything to do with his message. The man says himself that he lived the very life he so loudly condemns when he was in college. He claims he found God while doing LSD in college. I think he found insanity.

  2. Believe it or not, he has actually changed a number of people, but for the most part, no one takes him seriously. I forgot to mention there were students holding up posters that said, “Ceiling Cat is Watching You.” That’s about as seriously as you should be taking his teachings.

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