As you probably know, I’ve fallen for The Frenemy, a hilarious New York city blogger who has given voice to less-than-glamorous ladies like myself. The author has yet to respond to my emails or tweets, but that’s OK. I’m used to unrequited love, as you might gather from this post.
This hysterical NYC writer has influenced my blog entries before, so I’d like to continue with the pattern and do my own write-up inspired by her “advice at 18” piece. Because I didn’t go through a big personality transformation until age 19, I’ll copy the Frenemy blogger but enlighten my 19-year-old self instead. I was fairly normal at 18, when I wrote letters to my boyfriend, stayed up until 10:30 every night reading Nicholas Sparks novels, attended all my courses, went to the on-campus Catholic church every week, and got involved with the College Republicans. I may have had healthy habits, but I learned nothing.
So, because I had more fun at 19 than 18 (and the party hasn’t stopped since!), here is some advice I’d give to my 19-year-old self:
1. If you want a boyfriend, quit looking for one at fraternity houses. Could you be any dumber than to assume 19-year-old guys want to settle down? You’ll learn quickly that many frat boys make loyal friends (love you, KA gentlemen!), so continue asking each of them for help when you’re upset about a certain someone. Call on them for friendship and pep talks, but don’t go boyfriend hunting at the KA mansion. You know better than that.
2. Keep eating blueberry scones every day. In a year, you won’t be able to consume these goodies without needing to buy new shorts. Indulge in the Canyon Cafe pastries while you still can, just keep in mind that these treats are more than 800 calories a piece and loaded with carbs and sugar.
3. Stop thinking about/talking to your ex-boyfriend. As Eat Pray Love character Richard would say, “I thought we were over this already, Groceries.”
4. Don’t complain about the desert or Tucson’s lack of grass. You’ll eventually consider Arizona as more of a home than northern California, so please stop saying the state is the ugliest you’ve ever visited. In time, you’ll miss the dry heat, toothless Safeway customers, Eegee’s, cacti, monsoons, and Nico’s Taco Shop burritos.
5. Pay more attention in class. Give each of your professors a hug. Devote yourself fully to homework assignments and tests. Thank your instructors for caring so much about their subjects.
6. Thank your French III professor every single day. She’s the reason you’ll study abroad, meet Lola and Angela, and have a free place to stay in the south of France. If it weren’t for Amandine, you would never know the value of world travel and exposure to other cultures. You’d be completely different if it weren’t for this instructor, who ultimately turned you into a Francophile.
7. Don’t be shy about speaking French in America. You’ll have no choice but to practice French when you go abroad, so don’t be so timid while you’re still in the U.S. Take more risks BEFORE your big journey.
8. Don’t expect too much from the men you pursue. You’re not so grown up yourself, so don’t get emotional when someone you like would rather date around than spend time with you. Now, if he is dishonest about his intentions, he’s at fault, but you won’t meet anyone like that until you’re 22. In the mean time, keep it breezy.
9. Don’t kick yourself for not being involved with Greek Life like the rest of your family. You’ll soon join the Arizona Daily Wildcat newspaper, which will blow your mind.
10. Stop hanging out with that douchebag Jersey Shore wannabe who calls you “butthead” and says he’s only seeing you because he has no way of hooking up with Amanda Bynes.
11. Listen to your friend Scott when he advises you to steer clear of the aforementioned jerk-off.
12. Go out with your roommate Sarah more often. She’s a riot.
13. Visit the Poetry Center more often. Have more discussions with your intro to poetry professor Steve Orlen before he passes away (R.I.P <3).
14. Buy a damn TV (22-year-old self, take note).