About to depart No Man’s Land

About 24  hours ago, I worried my eardrums were going to burst. It was an irrational concern on my part (assuming the worst is what I do best!), but I’m in a fairly vulnerable state right now, so my first instinct told me to panic and expect the scariest scenario. My earache must have been a result of too much headphone usage, I thought. A nurse had lectured warned me about this on the metro before, so I shouldn’t have been so shocked. Loud music is known to cause major ear and hearing damage, and I believed I was experiencing an effect of iPod addiction.

To my relief, my ears are just fine. Upon examining my ears, the audiologist chalked up my jaw and ear pain to TMJ, which I’ve had for about a decade. I spent much of my senior year of high school hanging out at Stanford Medical Center, where I underwent physical therapy for the issue, which is more of a nuisance than a condition. My jaw pops out of place hundreds of times a day. You can hear it from across the room. Most people are too polite to comment on it (luckily, my friends aren’t! They keep me in check!) Everything else on my head feels funny as a result. My joints are inflamed because I’m stressed about aspects of my move over which I have zero control (greedy and arbitrary apartment charges, the pace of others, shipping difficulties). The quick fix to my condition? Chilling out! It’s been forever since I had time to attend a yoga course, but I’m going to track down a studio the second I return to New York. I will miss my Arlington teacher, Mary Catherine, but surely find a quality substitution in the concrete jungle.

Oddly enough, my former coworker Matt Lewis said I looked calmer and happier than he’d ever seen me when we caught up over coffee yesterday. He said that in the midst of one of my countless internal worry sessions, so perhaps I put on a deceptive front! Either that or I’m truly at peace now. I’d say the latter is true. I absolutely love the subjects I’m covering for LL and adore the staff, so things are going really well for me. Glad to know that comes through in my demeanor.

I had the chance to reunite with lots of former Caller colleagues last night at my favorite bar, The Bottom Line, so it was nice to catch up with them again and not feel so lonely! I’ve been by myself far too much the past month and it’s simply not the life for me.

With Josh and Tucci!

Thankfully my NY roommate and her cats are awesome, so I won’t have to go to bed in an empty apartment after tonight. That’s another thing I’ve learned from the move: I’m incapable of living alone, at least at this stage of my life. It’s just too creepy and lonely.

With so much time solo, I started thinking about situations, emotions, and circumstances that haven’t been relevant to my life for nearly a year. I had closure with someone who was not so responsive to what I had to say. I probed this individual to tell me straight up whether he ever shared the feelings I once had for him. “Not really.” Believe it or not, I’m relieved by what he said. I have a clean slate now and can commence my NYC life without wondering about what “could have happened” had I spoken up. The question came twelve months too late, but now I know the truth. I’m also aware that I brought it up at this moment for a reason. When you’re in transit or trapped in No Man’s Land, it’s easy to reflect upon embattled friendships and failed relationships, none of which would normally keep you up at night. Maybe that’s why I’m not disappointed by what I was told. I simply needed confirmation that my suspicions were accurate. With that knowledge in mind, I’m going to seize every single day from here on out and embrace NYC. Get ready for it.

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