Dear organic SEO consultant: This email you sent me makes you sound really rude

As if I needed another reminder about my shortcomings from Internet trolls, SEO consultant Maria sent me an email last night informing me of one of my many personal failures. According to this Search Engine Optimization guru, no one visits my blog. Nobody. Not even those of you reading this entry right now. You’re all imagining this experience. Now go see a doctor or therapist about your hallucinations.

In all seriousness, tell me something I don’t know, lady. Here is the exact unsolicited email she forwarded on over before destroying my evening and drop kicking my self-esteem:

Lauradonovan.Wordpress.com Team,

I thought you might like to know some of the reasons why you are not getting enough Social Media and Organic search engine traffic forLauradonovan.Wordpress.com

1.Your website Lauradonovan.Wordpress.com is not ranking top in Google organic search for many competitive keyword phrases.

2. Your website profile is not available in most of the Social Media Websites.

3. Your site has 3 Google back links, this can be improved further.

There are many additional improvements that could be made to your website, and if you would like to learn about them, and are curious to know what our working together would involve, then I would be glad to provide you with a detailed analysis in the form of a WEBSITE AUDIT REPORT for FREE.

Our clients consistently tell us that their customers find them because they are at the top of the Google search rankings. Being at the top left of Google (#1- #3 organic positions) is the best thing you can do for your company’s website traffic and online reputation.

Sounds interesting? Feel free to email us or alternatively you can provide me with your phone number and the best time to call you.

And to think that just this morning, I was reveling in the fact that my blog is about to reach 100,000 hits. Here’s what you’re probably thinking: “What a LOSER!”  Considering I’ve been updating my blog for three and a half years, I should be ashamed rather than proud that a tiny fraction of the population cares enough about my feelings and painfully dull existence to tune in for my posts.

On the bright side, my offline life is pretty amazing, and that’s really the key to happiness, right? Just look at this stellar (to borrow a phrase from “Xenon: Girl of the 21st Century.” Sorry, I’ve been in tween mode ever since reporting this story today) gift from my roommate. I found it on my bed this evening and screamed:

I also had this for dinner on my last night in California. Salmon + asparagus + potatoes = Dream meal:

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