We’re not even halfway through the month, but I’m ready for May to end. Nothing good has ever really come out of it for me, and this past week was no exception.

On Thursday, I saw a jaw specialist for the first time in six years. My last visit was during my senior year, when I had to go to Stanford for bi-weekly physical therapy appointments. I wasn’t crazy about these sessions, which prevented me from having the ever-so-necessary after hours social life one needs during her final year of high school, but was thankful that my dad always accompanied me on these visits. My most recent appointment was at 30 Rock, which is far less relaxing or soothing than Palo Alto’s Stanford University medical centers. I was on the verge of tears for much of the meeting, even though there was really nothing to cry about. The only instance in which I’ve ever been warranted in sobbing at the TMJ doctor was the time the shock treatment machine burned my face. At the time I was receiving this treatment, my dad was text messaging me from the waiting room to see how things were going. It hurt too much to write him back, so when he didn’t hear from me, he came to my room and was crushed to find my tear-soaked face.

“This is so painful,” I told him.

I eventually calmed down around the equipment, and thankfully, I didn’t have any freak-outs during my NYC appointment. It turns out I am mostly OK but must control my jaw issues through certain habits. I was glad to learn I won’t, in fact, need to have surgery or anything like that, but not exactly thrilled to return to the jaw doctor six years after first having issues there. No one wants problems with their face. And quite frankly, it sucks going to the jaw doctor without my dad. This is adulthood, huh?

Saturday, however, brought back more icky memories. It was the six month anniversary of my senior prom and the day my dad passed away. Normally, I wouldn’t think twice about it, but this is a little too much memory lane for a single week. I don’t wish to return to that time, when I was haunted by health problems of all kinds at home. There’s also the reality that May isn’t as warm as I’d like. The sun is up but we’re also getting tons of rain. Where are my blistering hot mornings? I’ll take those over downpours any day.

Here’s to hoping this week will bring new beginnings…And that I may wipe my hands clean of the past soon.

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