Last night, I went on a winter rant to some guy I met in the checkout line at Fairway Market (that’s another story entirely). We all know I hate winter, but my reasons for disliking the soul-crushing season have evolved overtime. The cold used to make me uncomfortable, but I don’t mind shivering as much as I used to. I just don’t enjoy having to wear my disgusting, puffy, totally unattractive cockblock Nautica jacket, which I’m pretty sure I got on Clearance at TJ Maxx several years ago.
This coat is the best birth control around, and it makes me feel confined, suffocated, and absolutely miserable. Yet I wear it day after day, not because I like punishment (well, that’s a lie, but again, a story for another day), but because I’m chilly indoors. Unless I have on a Snuggie or am draped in a blanket, I’m chilly. Someone once suggested I go to the doctor about this or consume more meat. Nothing works, I’m just delicate, little, and unaccustomed winters west of Arizona.
We’re supposed to have a big storm tomorrow, and you know what that means: ugly jacket time! I know this sounds ungrateful and spoiled, but once winter 2013 comes to an end, I want to burn this jacket. It wouldn’t be of any use to someone else. The pockets are completely torn up, there are holes everywhere, feathers are constantly popping out of the seams, the zipper barely moves, and the hood is falling off. It’s better if we torch this relationship after April. I’m not going to want to revisit this thing come November. I never want to see it again.
Now that I’ve complained about a piece of clothing for 200 words, I’ll tell you about something of mine that I actually like. I just got these earrings, and I’m going to sport a pair tomorrow to pretend that whole blizzard nonsense isn’t really happening:
Do any of you have tips on not feeling gross and, in the words of TLC, “unpretty” from December to April? My only technique is to pretend it’s not happening by dressing in summer attire. That works pretty well for me .. then again, I haven’t had hypothermia yet, so that’s something to think about.