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Last week was without a doubt the worst of 2013, so I was really looking forward to a relaxing Saturday. It was definitely a nice break from all the misery surrounding the Boston Marathon tragedy, but over the course of the weekend, I learned that these five things are the absolute worst.

1. Spilling coffee in bed

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But if you’re dumb enough to bring a steaming mug into your bed (more than once … I suck!), you deserve to learn there are messy consequences.

2. Sneezing with no Kleenex or tissues in sight

I’m just so lucky I experienced snot rocket Sunday (I’d apologize for the TMI factor but I just don’t care anymore) all by myself. By the way, I’m sick again. I thought my tonsils were inflamed but my allergies are just really bad and I can’t breathe at night. Oh, and I’m snoring awake now because of it. That’s what the click in my throat is. NBD. Anyway, there’s nothing quite like sneezing all over your hand and having absolutely nothing to clean it up with. It’s embarrassing even when you’re totally alone. What I really need is nasal passage surgery (which I was supposed to get six years ago), but I’m too scared of the plastic surgery element, so I’ll just continue getting sick every few months and being terrible to be around.

3. “The Wedding Planner” 

Why is this horrendous movie from middle school on ABC Family/Oxygen TV ALL THE TIME?! Who thought it was a good idea to play this every weekend?

4. Owning a single spoon


I just broke the only spoon I own while trying to scoop ice cream out of my Ben & Jerry’s carton. I own an ice cream scooper as well, so there’s no excuse for this. Kids, don’t make the same mistake I did. Open the other drawer and dig around for that ice cream scooper.

5. Having Chipotle and Shake Shack in the same day

 

Doing this will give you a hangover-like effect the following day. Please tell me you already knew this is just about the worst idea ever. Because I didn’t, and now look at me. I’m sneezing all over my hands, watching Parks and Rec on repeat, wearing a pink polka dotted bathrobe from Target, and debating when to leave my house … to buy more ice cream.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to get on that last part, because I “earned” it, I guess…

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