The moment you start to self-sabotage

In the 90s
In the 90s

When I was growing up, my dad made a habit of complaining about his colleagues. Not all the time, but often enough to frustrate me and my mom. As an older employee, he had freedoms his 30-something counterparts didn’t. He could work from home when he wanted to pick me up from school, and he thought some of the others resented him for it. Nobody said anything about his remote privileges, but he sensed they disliked him for choosing to work away from “the kids” of the office.

Right before he passed away in 2006, he learned the real reason for his coworkers’ change in demeanor. Turns out they all worshiped my dad and missed him when he wasn’t at his desk. He thought they were all jealous of his perks as an older worker, but really they wanted him around for guidance, support, pick me ups, and to tell jokes. It’s a shame he didn’t realize until it was too late that they all cared for him a great deal, and it cost him friendships as a result.

In 2005
In 2005

Though I definitely take after my mom’s personality more, there’s a lot of my dad’s inherent suspicion and skepticism in me, and I have to actively stop myself from creating conspiracy theories that everybody laughs about ignoring my messages and attempts at contact. I’m throwing a “going away” type party later this week, and I’ll admit I was pretty offended when some folks didn’t respond to my emails, texts, or messages about it. I know the world doesn’t revolve around me and that time doesn’t stop simply because I’m moving to another part of the country, but when I take time to reach out to people I like and am left with nothing, it stings.

As I mentioned in recent entries, I’ve been hanging out with a nice fellow from the northeast for a month. Things evolved really fast even though they won’t continue once I leave for California. The understanding was that we’d enjoy each other’s company until my departure at the end of September. We were hanging out, but even before I announced my plans to relocate, the dynamic shifted unexpectedly and we went from talking everyday to every few days, the response time increasing with each new message.

As many of you know, I’ve been let down a lot (I admittedly put it on myself sometimes), so anytime something slightly shady happens, I prepare for the worst. It’s a coping mechanism I’ve developed after years of being burned, blown off, and all around underwhelmed. I’ve had a lot of people disappear and go dark on me for days or even a week/weeks, and it’s always because they’re seeing lots of other people, so that’s the assumption I still make when there’s a distinct change in communication.

Turns out I was totally wrong and accusatory, and though I was just trying to stand my ground and avoid falling into the same obvious traps I’ve gotten into since college, I jumped the gun, and that could very well be a dealbreaker. Of course, someone who’s really worth it would talk me through my concerns rather than just lump me in the “paranoid” category — what’s really important is why I’m this way, but someone who is only going to see me for a couple more weeks lacks the time, energy, and wherewithal to work through this. Even I can admit the benefits won’t outweigh the negatives in this scenario.

What we all really need is a fresh start, and even writing this up will seem funny in the near future. In a year’s time, I know I’m going to look back on September 2013 and ask, “Why did I bother fretting about a relationship that was doomed from the start?” Perhaps by then I’ll have more adventures and misadventures to document in this blog. I’m ready to make new memories elsewhere, that’s for sure. I’m feeling the same way I did my last month in Tucson. I was dating someone and it just felt so pointless for the both of us. But it was something to do, because if there’s one thing I’m not good at, it’s waiting patiently for transition periods to pass. I’m transitioning out of here, but I need excitement until the very last second. I am in New York, after all.

I wasn’t completely unwarranted in becoming upset (inconsistency bothers me either way and I do NOT appreciate being dismissed), but I need to get out of my self-sabotage tendency ASAP.

Do you self-sabotage? How do you get out of it?


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