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I’ve lived in a lot of offbeat places: Glendale, Calif., the Bay Area, Tucson, Ariz., and Washington D.C. (which is only weird because it’s completely lacking in culture and soul, IMO). It’s hard to say whether NYC or California is weirder, and that’s why I’m glad to be going from one unusual area to another. You can be anyone you want in both parts of the country, and this guy, who I spotted on the R train to Brooklyn last night, is no exception:

I want to submit this to Humans of NY!

I want to submit this to Humans of NY!

Moments earlier, I noticed a guy using a walkie talkie on the other side of the subway car. NYC is never short on interesting characters, many of which seem to hang out in Brooklyn. Too bad I was so turned off by BK at the beginning of my New York adventure that I rarely ventured out there following my UES move. I’d probably have nicer things to say about the folks here. Because I spent so much time at Dorrian’s, Stumble Inn, Pen Rose, and a host of other douchey bars, I mingled with, well, not-so-great people at times. It’s fine. I got a ton of hilarious stories out of those disasters. Of all my cheesy stories, here is the worst of the worst:

Meeting an analyst who said with NO HINT OF SARCASM: “I am the three Cs: Confident, capable, and charismatic.”

At that, I responded, “You really just said that? In real life?”

“Yup! And I just made it up.”

Excuse me while I choke on my own vomit.

So I need to rant a little right now, perhaps because I’m watching Breaking Bad and not too happy about the turn the show just took — and all these singing commercials are annoying me to the bone (No, Nationwide, you are NOT ON MY SIDE with that theme song of yours! Get rid of it!):

A lot of people have been trying to talk me out of leaving, and that’s infuriating. It’s done, guys. I’ve got six days left in NYC, and even though some have said I should have given the city more of a chance, I had no interest in doing that anymore. Three years on the East Coast is my limit. My family lives across the country from me and my nephews and nieces have started to take notice. Why would I continue to put up with this terrible weather and unreasonable housing market, among other things, if I have people I care about in a warmer place better suited to my personality? I have a right to dislike New York for living, and I really do not appreciate being told that I should have tried harder. I don’t want everyday life to feel like a strain anymore. Say what you want about my decision, but I couldn’t be happier to escape chilly NYC, which is built on nepotism, elitism, cutting others down, old money, and over-priced designer clothes.

So bye, NYC. I’ll miss your gelato, unique brand of oddballs, pizza, bagels, and shopping, but it’s nice to return to a city that isn’t run by the Ivy League or people who can’t seem to move on from prep school. California is more of a meritocracy, and yes there will be nepotism in the entertainment industry (and tons of it), but even if Maude Apatow gets a job that I don’t someday, at least I can walk away knowing she’s funny and seriously talented and not just another kid with more connections and money than she knows what to do with.

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